I've been racking my brain for more than a year to try and figure out one good reason to use Tinder. I struggle to even come up with a viable reason for such an app that doesn't involve a very non-discrete way to say I'm DTF (Down to Fart).

The only reason to use Tinder is to find someone that you can stick your P into a V, or however the kids are doing it these days.

The metamorphosis of the hookup culture has been a slow and long undertaking, but one that continues to plague anyone in the dating world looking for something beyond a topical conversation, an over-priced drink, and a night that will be forgettable. The booty call culture is steeped in trailblazers that's spent years mastering the art, and slowly letting their ways catch on to people who are too afraid to grow up, or don't know what they want.

Only a ravenous and more than adequate trailblazer of the hook up culture could possibly dream up the idea of Grinder, and Tinder, and Binder, and Hinder, and Sex-Me-Up-Inder. That may sound ludicrous to a lot of people but from what I've been told from the "Inder" users, is that it's practically written in the terms and conditions of the app, that you're going to end up sleeping with each other, regardless of what social activity you decide to do that day.

As some wise pirates once said, "Stick to the code."

AH, and the code is not that hard to figure out in this instance ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the code, here's all you need to know. The rules are constantly changing and are twisted to suit any occasion. Despite the fact that "the code is more of guidelines" than anything else, it doesn't mean that the code can't get you screwed literally and figuratively. Just think about it. Why would Disney still insist on filming Pirates of the Caribbean 8?? Because if the code was more than "guidelines", then everyone would be dead by now. I think I'm on to something....

But back to the topic at hand, Tinder. I have to admit I have anxiety just thinking about if I were to use Tinder for its practicality as a hangout app, and if I break the code rules, where will that leave me? Probably in a terrible situation where I have to get handsy (and not in a good way) and slap a bitch. So I opt to be Inder-Free for the time being.

I sound like a total prude, don't I? But I don't really care if that statement makes me sound a bit old-fashioned and matronly.

Sexual tension is the key to the lock that makes the world go round, but I'd rather enjoy it from an STD free body that doesn't use "coffee" excuses to get her fill of the opposite sex. I'm holding out for the bait and switch that someone will find me dateable, for reasons other than my profile picture was HAWT and that I'm 2 miles away.

I'll just stop now before I get in too deep. Don't even get me started on Chive...

Doesn't Willy Wonka make Tinder sound like it should be worth your time!?!?