I'm Hostile to Texting

I admit I use text messaging on a regular basis. Yes, I have been known to carry on long text messaging conversations. Yes, I use text messaging in order to make plans, or otherwise use it as a supplement form of communication. In the last six months or so, I've been weaned off text messaging based on my change in lifestyle, and I have to admit, I don't miss texting one bit.

When I moved I left 23 years of friendships, relationships, and meet-cutes behind. I started fresh with not much of my old life to compare to. I had a sister and brother-in-law, a job, and a few of my sister's friends to look to for a weekend outing. This is beginning to sound depressing. This scenario sounds like one of those rom com movies where Katherine Heigl's character is based on me. YIKES! I plead the 5th, your honor. Without a doubt, the drastic change in my social calendar had it's own challenges, but it also brought about this epiphany, which is that I really don't like the idea of texting. 

After moving several states away from all my close friends and those who I talked to on a more than regular basis, I soon realized I was texting less and less. Most of my text messages are about meeting up for a drink, sharing a r̶a̶u̶n̶c̶h̶y̶ captivating photo to my parents about what I'm up to, pets, or insides jokes (WHOOPS, sorry mom and dad I was drunk...), or to keep tabs on my close friends, when it's hard to have conversations longer than 5 minutes on the phone. I still operate that way even with all the distance between us. As you can guess, text messaging to me is not a core form of communication. Since I'm no longer a few blocks away from my best friends to make plans, I found texting to be a bit foolish, since that's mainly what I use it for.

Nowadays when I get a text message that encourages a conversation longer than about 5 texts, I get annoyed. More than annoyed actually, I become irritated that someone thinks punching a bunch of electronic keys is easier than slightly moving your mouth in real conversation. Any text conversation that isn't strictly for making plans or checking in briefly, is a waste of time and energy.

Have you noticed how much time can be consumed by a text conversation?? I'd much rather sit on the phone for an hour with someone and that be the end of it, instead of being interrupted every 5 minutes all afternoon long by texts. Many claim texting is such a time saver. REALLY?? How is text messaging saving you time??? It's such a time suck. It sucks more than a Dyson vacuum!! At least that's what my evidence points to.

Pictures are worth a thousand words and I can't believe I'm caving into the slippery slope, but Snapchat, Instagram, etc., may have it right. At the present moment, I feel I can have more of a conversation with my friends via Snapchat than a text message, and believe it or not, it doesn't consume my life. Snapchat is something I can check once a day or once a week, but it lets me see what my friends are up to without having a constant interruption throughout the day.

After all these years of having a smartphone I truly only use it for 3 things:

1. to make phone calls
2. to play my more than exceptional music in the car (don't trust that statement? Ask my parents... it's good shit man)
3. to send pictures to friends and family

That is it. Nothing more. I'm making a pact with my own conscious, from here on out, I will no longer type my life story. Wait, aren't I being a bit hypocritical...??

Anyways moving along, you can ask about my life via a phone call or over a cocktail. I'm open to either option, just as long as a cocktail is involved.

So who wants to get a drink?!?! First round is on me.

It Sucks to Give Bucks to Starbucks

Starbucks could be the bane of my existence and my catch-22. I am a coffee purist. I like my coffee like I like my athletes; black and strong (YES! I REALLY am that racist... joke's on you).

I never got into the lattes, americanos, macchiatos, cappuccinos, or any other -inos you can associate with coffee. Ain't nobody got time for that. I started drinking coffee to give me an extra kick in my daily routine eons ago. So why would I clutter it with crap when I could just drink jet fuel instead. Coffee for me is no different from you, it's the fuel for my engine, my joie de vivre, my ritual and without it, I become scarier than Joan Rivers without plastic surgery. Many of you may say, but wait, I haven't witnessed an extremely cranky Lauren in the mornings. That's probably because I ALWAYS hydrate myself with the proper caffeine and endorphin level before I encounter human existence.

Ninety percent of the time I am a very good coffee girl, and make my own at home. However, there are a few instances when I'd like to try another flavor, or walk on the wild side of the gourmet coffee shops. Starbucks' can be found within a mile from each other, so naturally like anyone else on this earth, I occasionally grab a cup of joe from there.

One thing you can always count on, is the most impeccably perky idiot behind the counter to greet you and say, "HI! I'VE HAD 4 SHOTS OF ESPRESSO IN THE LAST 10 MINUTES! HOW CAN I HELP YOU!"

I want to shout back, "Just STOP right now!"

Maybe I'll reach your level of perkiness at noon, but at the moment, I can barely keep my eyelids afloat. So stop screeching and hand me a bucket of coffee and a complimentary IV, to inject the black tar into me ASAP. Yet, somehow I resist my snarky retort, or so I would like to think. I've been known to be a bit cheeky to those who annoy me at restaurant counters. A good friend of mine, Morgan, can attest to this. For some reason it always happens while I'm out to eat with him. We, and when I say we I mean I, always seem to have an awkward encounter with those on the other side of the partition.

I've worked in an upscale restaurant, a bar, and behind the counter of a fast food sandwich shop, I've been there. Despite my sympathies, I find your outwardly fake friendliness an annoyance and not something that will make my trip to the one millionth Starbucks a memorable one. I don't live in Los Angeles for a reason. I seem to get snarky immediately upon encountering these overly expressive people in the serving industry. I don't want a random friend, I just want some coffee. I'm a selfish person with a motive, so don't try to get in the way of what I want. If you do there will be consequences, AKA my sarcastic humor with little left to the imagination. I wish I could give you an example to make this post shine bright with irony, but I'm not perfect and forget most of my one liners after the fact.

DAMN YOU Starbucks, if I didn't actually enjoy what has become a regular routine of this vicious circle, then maybe I would avoid you at all costs. But truth be told, I now find it to be an enjoyable challenge to see how high I can set my sarcastic comments, to those behind the counter. Especially since most of the workers probably don't understand what I'm referencing anyways. But the most important thing of all to me, is that I have to see if I can be a smart-ass, even before I've received my daily sacrament of motor oil. Guilty as charged.

Lowdown #1

I feel like dropping some knowledge on you folks. A change of heart, I know, but I must keep you guessing at all times. This is where I combine all the things I'm passionate about into one post; film, music (sort of in this particular post), fashion, and how it all relates. Sorry gents it's another girly post. You snooze, you loose. However, I'm looking forward to making this a semi-regular theme. Here's the first of many more Lowdowns to come...

I adore the movie Funny Face and think this dance sequence is the aces. Yes, I just used the word aces. When in Rome, talk as the Roman's would. The dance number is weird and fun, and unlike the rest of the film (i.e. Fred Astaire dancing in a garden...) This is the kind of thing that made me want to be apart of film. Also, Audrey Hepburn can not be matched or mimicked. I have such a girl crush on her! Don't deny it, you've all heard the term girl crush, and most likely, you're in the same boat as I. Anyways, I'll probably be going to hell because I express an overflowing amount of envy, whenever I watch her in movies. Sins.

I'll ask the obvious question. Who here reading this blog is currently wearing skinny jeans?? I bet most of you ladies answered, yes! And rightfully so, "it's so choice", the cat's meow, bourgeois, and don't forget très chic. That was starting to sound pretentious, PHEW! Even if you answered no, you probably have at least 3 pairs sitting in your closet now. Moving along... this little dance number rocked your closet in 2006 when Gap superimposed Audrey Hepburn's Funny Face dance into their Back in Black campaign, which started the skinny jean CRAZE! Do you remember this commercial?? I certainly do. It's probably one of the very few add campaigns that have stuck with me like feathers to glue. Way to go Gap advertising team. Way-to-go.

Did that jog your memory? Well the CRAZE is still upon us (Thanks Captain Obvious). If you haven't already noticed the cigarette pant is back in full swing this spring season (more than ever), and I'll even put money on it that penny loafers are making a big comeback too. Yes, your grandmother's wardrobe is going to be more prevalent and in style than yours. Deal with it. Classic will always trump trendy.

Everyone has made fun of my wardrobe for years, but I'm the one laughing now! HA HA HA! You all get to experience my closet up close and personal, and everywhere this fashion season. Not to mention that my wardrobe is actually DEEMED fashionable by the gods themselves.

Here's some advice for all you youths. Rummage through your grandma's (MY) closet. I bet she'll have just what the fashion industry is looking for.

Not In My Kitchen

We've all been there, we've all done it, and we've all been a witness to the behavior; the cell phone at the dinner table.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but as a friend on a Friday night, it was you that decided to come out to dinner with moi, and share the company of moi, and have a discussion avec moi. I didn't force you to come out with me at gunpoint. It was your decision to be my partner in crime for the evening. If you are not that interested in having a conversation with me, and you'd rather have a conversation with someone else on your phone, you should have made plans with them instead. End. Of. Story.

I find it incredibly rude for people to text, check sports stats, or otherwise troll through Facebook while in the presence of wine and a delicious dinner. First of all, THAT IS A SIN!! Food and wine trumps everything!! Second of all, there are so many other things to keep a person occupied at the dinner table, however, the most important thing is that a high school friend posted a Buzzfeed article. Get away from my food!! You ruin all that is sacred and holy, you fun sucker. There is NO ROOM for that at my dinner table. Take that nonsense somewhere else, please and thank you.

I'd much rather have dinner with myself in a vacuum sealed room, because that would be incredibly more fun, rather than sitting next to someone who has to check their phone every five minutes. What catastrophic event happened while we're sitting down for dinner, that it couldn't wait for your attention at another time? The baseball game didn't go anywhere, it's still being played after dinner. Your friend's status on Facebook didn't disappear immediately after it was posted. No, it will be there tomorrow morning. And that text from your college friend about her dress classy get trashy evening can wait. She'll still be dressed classy and getting trashy an hour from dinner.

Where have all the manners gone? Was the person giving you etiquette lessons someone who likes to sit in silence and stare at other things, than the people around them? Silence is not golden in these instances. The movies have it wrong, BUT only in this matter. If you want silence then go to confession, or a morgue, or the north pole, but you better not bring your silence and unwanted behavior to the dinner table.

I know all of you at one point, have been at a restaurant and seen a group of people sitting around the table, and they're all on their phones in silence. YOUTHS! That looks like a fun party to be at. Sign me up and give me a party hat, that's definitely a dinner and an evening for the record books!! All I have to say to those people is Goodnight and Good luck to you all.

Next time a phone appears at my dinner table, I'm going to biatch slap that phone out of their hand faster than you can say technology assault. Or better yet, I'll follow in the footsteps of Ari Gold...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiG68nMtA9s

23 D̶e̶a̶l̶ ̶B̶r̶e̶a̶k̶e̶r̶s̶ Considerations for Prince Charming

Thanks to the wonderful suggestion from a friend, I'm going to make this next post in conjunction with the last one. It's a two part series of my thrilling twenty-something life and dating. HURRAY! You know you're jumping up and down at the thought of it, or never submitting yourself to this blog again.

Whatever, it's your loss. You'll really miss out when I do my next blog post about superhuman tricks all done by me! Now do I have your unwanted attention?!?

Even though its's a two part series, this post will be the opposite take on the matter. Twenty-three things that I wish Prince Charming would do in the presence of moi. Food makes many appearances on the list, so now you know what's really important to me.

       Gentlemanly Behavior Consists Of:

1. Rubbing my feet continuously from dawn until dusk
2. Filling my cocktail up when it's only half empty. No Exceptions.
3. Wear a fanny pack and make it look cool! I still don't know why this is important, probably because it seems impossible to do. Prove me wrong!
4. Has a large vocabulary and uses words like fiddle sticks, malarky, lickety-split, fuddy duddy, and dollop.
5. Always follows Rule #76. No excuses, play like a champion.
6. Dance like Tom Cruise in Risky Business
7. Never wear socks and sandals together
8. Encouraging my bad behavior & shenanigans. You should not be the voice of reason. I'll consult my cat for that...
9. Turning into a gay best friend when I go shopping and then reverting back to his manly straight self afterwards
10. Is the head honcho of the Girl Scouts. Thin Mints will be served at every meal.
11. Gets my attention with a flare gun or with airplanes that perform skywriting
12. Writes me letters using owls or carrier pigeons
13. Transports us on dates in a hang glider or hot air balloon
14. Ensures all my meals are cooked in dark chocolate or wine
15. Wine about everything & Wine with everything. Better yet, just own your own vineyard.
16. Calls upon me to have afternoon tea in the parlor, Oscar Wilde style
17. Watches the television channel TCM on a regular basis
18. Chuck Palaniuk and Nelson DeMille write books after you
19. Using the Helen Keller card in Apples to Apples every chance you get
20. Knows all of the movie quotes that are worthy of regurgitating
21. Dancing face-to-face: must know how to foxtrot, waltz, and swing dance
22. Guacamole and cheese are food groups to you
23. Throw parties that are unforgettable. Refer to socialite Holly Golightly for any tips.

P.S. I just figured out how to make it available for all you viewers in the world to follow my blog. So now that's a thing. Start Following ME! If not, I say this to you.

"Listen up you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they seen what I've done to you."
- Michelle from Tommy Boy

P.P.S. The icon is hiding underneath the search bar on the right. If you move your mouse in that general direction it should hopefully pop up. I'm new to this whole thing, so when I figure out a better way to make this work I'll let you know!