23 T̶r̶u̶t̶h̶s̶ Rules of Dating
I bet you've been wondering where the "class" comes in to all of these posts. Most of the posts have been rants, if not all, but who's really counting?
I tried to think of all the creative ways to name my blog, but I kept coming back to the name Smart-Ass With Class. It sounded catchy to me and I felt the name embodied my personality perfectly. Some of you may not have a visual or solid idea of me yet, and can only base your impression off of the few pictures I've posted thus far. However, my middle America upbringing and my mother's stern hand in etiquette, has made me believe that I've got the manners and behavior to make Emily Post proud, while carrying a dry sense of humor with it.
Now that that's settled, here's where my fundamental, dare I say, old school rules of dating come into play. You've all been waiting in antica------------------------pation, for me to start the dating chats, haven't you? You figure it's only a matter of time until this Chickie Babe turns her blog into one of the many other twenty-something posts about dating, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Well.....
SURPRISE! The time has arrived! Here's my, oh so original twenty-something blog post about dating. I know how thrilled you must be. I've compiled a list of things gents should not do in my presence for our first intimate encounter. It's a list loosely based on that notion. Some things on the list are truths about my own experiences and some are imaginative, but nevertheless, I don't want any part of it. I'll let you decide which ones are truths, and which ones will most-likely happen to me in the future.
Ungentlemanly Behavior Consists Of:
I tried to think of all the creative ways to name my blog, but I kept coming back to the name Smart-Ass With Class. It sounded catchy to me and I felt the name embodied my personality perfectly. Some of you may not have a visual or solid idea of me yet, and can only base your impression off of the few pictures I've posted thus far. However, my middle America upbringing and my mother's stern hand in etiquette, has made me believe that I've got the manners and behavior to make Emily Post proud, while carrying a dry sense of humor with it.
Now that that's settled, here's where my fundamental, dare I say, old school rules of dating come into play. You've all been waiting in antica------------------------pation, for me to start the dating chats, haven't you? You figure it's only a matter of time until this Chickie Babe turns her blog into one of the many other twenty-something posts about dating, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Well.....
SURPRISE! The time has arrived! Here's my, oh so original twenty-something blog post about dating. I know how thrilled you must be. I've compiled a list of things gents should not do in my presence for our first intimate encounter. It's a list loosely based on that notion. Some things on the list are truths about my own experiences and some are imaginative, but nevertheless, I don't want any part of it. I'll let you decide which ones are truths, and which ones will most-likely happen to me in the future.
Ungentlemanly Behavior Consists Of:
- Answer the door without a shirt or pants. Be fully clothed please.
- Puff puff, then pass the bong to me as it resembles the size of a flag pole
- Call me Babe, Cutie, Hottie, Honey-Buns, Cupid, Sugar-Tits, Sugar, Dump Truck, Fupa (please don't make me explain what that means), etc.
- Call me squishy when we're cuddling
- Booty calls as our first hang out
- Text me for another date. CALL Me or there is no Maybe.
- Discuss your shaving habits
- Mock my home state. I'M only allowed to do that, and I suppose other Nebraskans too.
- Tonsil hockey with me at the top of my stairs and front entryway without proper footing or even trying to exchange a few words
- Sit next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh, feet to feet, like two planks of wood, on your small couch with zero interest of cuddling. That's just plain awkward.
- Ask me to hold your python
- Ask me to scratch your abs because they're itchy
- Asking in a "coy" way if sex is on the table. Do I look like a hooker?
- Groping of any kind
- Showing off your dancing nipples. Girls can't, so guys shouldn't try.
- Use the words moist, crusty, or slacks in a sentence. Squishy can also be on the list.
- Making me pay for your late night drunk food
- Not offering me your late night drunk food
- Trying to eat my hair
- Unable to make a grownup drink
- Urinate with the bathroom door open
- Kiss me while you're smoking a cigarette
- Snap my bra off with layers of clothes on. Refer back to #14.