23 T̶r̶u̶t̶h̶s̶ Rules of Dating

I bet you've been wondering where the "class" comes in to all of these posts. Most of the posts have been rants, if not all, but who's really counting?

I tried to think of all the creative ways to name my blog, but I kept coming back to the name Smart-Ass With Class. It sounded catchy to me and I felt the name embodied my personality perfectly. Some of you may not have a visual or solid idea of me yet, and can only base your impression off of the few pictures I've posted thus far. However, my middle America upbringing and my mother's stern hand in etiquette, has made me believe that I've got the manners and behavior to make Emily Post proud, while carrying a dry sense of humor with it.

Now that that's settled, here's where my fundamental, dare I say, old school rules of dating come into play. You've all been waiting in antica------------------------pation, for me to start the dating chats, haven't you? You figure it's only a matter of time until this Chickie Babe turns her blog into one of the many other twenty-something posts about dating, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Well.....

SURPRISE! The time has arrived! Here's my, oh so original twenty-something blog post about dating. I know how thrilled you must be. I've compiled a list of things gents should not do in my presence for our first intimate encounter. It's a list loosely based on that notion. Some things on the list are truths about my own experiences and some are imaginative, but nevertheless, I don't want any part of it. I'll let you decide which ones are truths, and which ones will most-likely happen to me in the future.

    Ungentlemanly Behavior Consists Of:
  1. Answer the door without a shirt or pants. Be fully clothed please.
  2. Puff puff, then pass the bong to me as it resembles the size of a flag pole
  3. Call me Babe, Cutie, Hottie, Honey-Buns, Cupid, Sugar-Tits, Sugar, Dump Truck, Fupa (please don't make me explain what that means), etc.
  4. Call me squishy when we're cuddling
  5. Booty calls as our first hang out
  6. Text me for another date. CALL Me or there is no Maybe.
  7. Discuss your shaving habits
  8. Mock my home state. I'M only allowed to do that, and I suppose other Nebraskans too.
  9. Tonsil hockey with me at the top of my stairs and front entryway without proper footing or even trying to exchange a few words
  10. Sit next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh, feet to feet, like two planks of wood, on your small couch with zero interest of cuddling. That's just plain awkward.
  11. Ask me to hold your python
  12. Ask me to scratch your abs because they're itchy
  13. Asking in a "coy" way if sex is on the table. Do I look like a hooker?
  14. Groping of any kind
  15. Showing off your dancing nipples. Girls can't, so guys shouldn't try.
  16. Use the words moist, crusty, or slacks in a sentence. Squishy can also be on the list.
  17. Making me pay for your late night drunk food
  18. Not offering me your late night drunk food
  19. Trying to eat my hair
  20. Unable to make a grownup drink
  21. Urinate with the bathroom door open
  22. Kiss me while you're smoking a cigarette
  23. Snap my bra off with layers of clothes on. Refer back to #14.

Oklahoma Gives Me Road Rage

This is a public service announcement: ALL Oklahamoans need to go back to driving school.

Oklahoma! You. Yeah you! The state that looks like a big foam finger pointing to better states westward.. I command all of your residents to stop driving immediately!

I've driven home a few times since moving to Texas and I dread the 3-4 hour drive through Oklahoma to get northward. That's saying something since driving north or south through Kansas is worse than driving through North Dakota. It is the armpit of America. I'm talking about you Wichita, KS.

However apprehensive I am about staring into the abyss of the state you call Kansas, (I know Nebraska is in the same category) Oklahoma makes me nervous in the service, to trudge through the land where the the wind comes sweeping down the plain.

Did you know it's not the wind?? Oh Hell NO! It's the idiots and incompetent morons that drive in the state of Oklahoma, with their ugly cream license plates decorated in maroon letters. Real original Folks. I can't hide my wishful thinking that one day the state bans the use of cars forever. FOR-EV-ER. FOR-EV-ER. I couldn't resist using Squint's memorable lines from the movie The Sandlot. I love it too much to not show you this little clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0H6R7xRytk

Any-Who, back to the question at hand, should we allow Oklahomans to drive ever again?? N-O!!!NO!!!!

And the rant begins...

I want you to imagine a bunch of Douche-Baggery cars. You know the kind. The wannabe muscle car with the driver who thinks the answer to getting chicks into their souped-up, faux pleather interior hot wheels-esque car, is to share the road with others like a cracked out Richard Simmons.

When one of these sports cars (Chevy Camaro/Ford Mustang) zips by me in its dark, broody paint job and tinted windows, I can't help but hope they crash and burn in the ditch next to me, so that I can avoid their presence altogether. These are the main culprits for the atrocious driving. I'm not singling them out but they are the majority. What is it with Oklahoma and everyone feeling the need to wave their cars in front of you like a well hung porn star. We Get it! You have small dicks, now go do something more useful with all that low testosterone and ego.

These muscle cars don't just change lanes and pass you. No, that would be the logical thing. They swerve in an extreme fashion and make me think I'm going down with them. WHY?? What's wrong with casually changing lanes. Does throwing your steering wheel in one direction or another really make a difference in saving a few extra seconds? I doubt it, and you look like amateur 16-year-old when you do. STOP.

Also these darkly painted muscle cars look like the latest and greatest state trooper cars. Be normal and drive a white or silver SUV, so I can drive above the lame speed limit of 70 mph in your god-for-saken state. Texas, Kansas, and Nebraska all have a speed limit of 75. What's 5 more mph? It's not like any of the residents of the state abide by it anyways.

Oklahoma trucks have a tendency to reverse the fast and the slow lanes on the highways. Were you taught your driving skills south of the equator or in Europe?? Why is this the only thing that is backwards with your driving etiquette? They park in the fast lane and ironically the slow lane is where all the passing is done. I find this irritating! Why are you so special Oklahoma, that you don't feel the need to obey the traffic etiquette that every other state deems perfectly fine?

"You're not that special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world."
- Tyler Durden from Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club

I have an idea. When I venture north for my homeward bound journey, I'll drive my car to the edge of northern Texas, ditch the car and hop on a small jet, which will fly me to the southern border of Kansas, where I'll get in another car, and resume my trek on four wheels touching the ground. What do you think??

Come at me pilots! I'm in the market for a personal pilot and small jet. Preferably one that has my name on it in neon colors, and is equipped with a full spa service, and a well stocked bourbon collection.

Generation Gaps Are Tightening Up

I'm going to get a little nostalgic and continue with my previous post about technology.

I work at a university and spend most of my days interacting with the same 30 or so students. We use student help as our brute man power when we need to get a job done, and usually one person, c'est moi, won't suffice. I've been working there for about six months and have struck up some fun and interesting conversations, with the students around me. I'm close in age to a lot of the them or just slightly older, so we have a good laugh at the common ground we share. It would have never occurred to me without these recent conversations, that by being a few years older than these students, we have a large generation gap between us.

I never gave it much thought, but my sister is 4.5 years older than me. Round it up to 5 years when you're talking about separation of years in school. That seemed like a wide enough gap for me to grasp why Saved By The Bell was her generation's hit t.v. show, and why mine was Boy Meets World. No Doubt was her jam in elementary school, while the battle of the boy bands, Green Day and Nelly was mine. Each came just far enough apart from one other, that we connected with different shows, different musical groups, and different toys. Ok, maybe not toys. EVERYONE wanted Sock'em Bobbers, because they WERE more fun than a pillow fight!

I'll give you a scenario to put yourself into my shoes with my fellow students. If you were anyone near the age of being able to surf the internet around the early 2000's then you must have come across this video; The End of the World.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCpjgl2baLs

Yeah, I bet anyone in their mid 20's remember's that one. It was MEGA popular when I was a youngling. I still quote it today, like most of my generation. "I'm le tired!", "And the kangaroos were like WTF, MATE?", "Hokay, so here's the earth, IT'S ROUND". You get the jist. I've mentioned to several students this video and soon realized they weren't picking up what I was putting down. You've got to be kidding me!! You don't know this video??? What is wrong with you???

And that's when it hit me. Those kids had no idea there was a world of the internet before Twitter, Youtube, and Facebook. HOLY JESUS!! What are we teaching our children?? I should call child protective services on all your parent's asses!

Here's a quick list of things that I remember from my childhood before the internet exploded:
Albinoblacksheep:  http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/
Ebaumsworld:        http://www.ebaumsworld.com/
Runescape:           http://www.runescape.com/   (I am still friends with the nerds who gamed on this site...)
Myspace:               https://myspace.com/
Xanga:                   http://xanga.com/
Napster:                http://www.rhapsody.com/napster   (back in the day when it was free!)

And that's just a short preview of the websites my generation use to be apart of. These were the pioneering websites. As a kid you progressed from a Xanga account, to MySpace, and eventually in high school there was Facebook (back when you had to be invited to have a FB account through email). AlbinoBlackSheep and Ebaumsworld was my generation's CollegeHumor or FunnyOrDie.

This was the era of overhead projectors in class, and PowerPoint presentations were only used for your once a year, mandatory speech. I remember using floppy disks until 7th grade. Say What?!? USB's weren't even that accessible or popular to use until the latter part of high school. Up to that point, we "burned" all of our files onto blank cds. OH, the BURNED CD!! How could I forget about that. Burning a mix cd was cooler than Nelly's white band aid on his cheek. If you received or made a mix cd you were a Cool Cat. I'm positive I have about 50 burned cds just from those few formidable years. Thank god we've crossed that bridge and don't intend to go back.

I have become fascinated with this idea that although I am only 2 to maybe 4 years older than most of the student workers, I remember and have seen more growth of the internet and technology, than they ever did as a kid. I had an AIM account, and remember when AOL was a big deal, and how I felt left out that I didn't have one. How you had to dial up to get on to the internet. You had to either be on the phone or the internet, the simultaneous usage came years later. AskJeeves, Dogpile, and Netscape were the search engines I used until Google took over the planet. I remember being in high school when a student told me about the new internet website that had launched called Twitter. I thought the idea behind Twitter was ridiculous and weird. Oh that opinion hasn't changed, by the way. Or when "Santa" bought me the first generation of the Ipod mini in middle school. That was a BIG DEAL to have one, and it only came in one color, silver. The skittles rainbow hadn't taken over your devices yet.

I realized now that if you were born post 1993, you don't have a clue as to what the world was before the internet and technology boom. You didn't live in a time where it was much more difficult to get cell service because only 1 in 5 people had a cell phone, or didn't have to worry about dial-up-internet before high speed internet became the norm. I bet some of you didn't know that PalmPilot was the first tablet invented back in 1997, Huh?? Huh??

I did some research to see how unrealistic it is for me to expect anyone born after 1993 to understand where I'm coming from. I found this website that cites the Top 10 Oldest & Most Popular Viral Videos pre-Youtube. It's a Juno sound-a-like, commentating and giving her own "expert opinion", but she explains the terrible and yet absolute glory of the early days of the internet. There was complete freedom and room for any odd or peculiar thing to surface on the web, because it was a new concept to even the inventors of the world wide web.
http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/team-nchick/nostalgia-chick/36664-top-ten-viral-videos-from-the-ancient-internet-aka-before-youtube
I have to admit some of those videos were even slightly before my time! I knew most of them, but some I had never heard of. So maybe I'm being unrealistic and hypocritical to these kids? Do you remember me ranting just a few days ago about how I will never be able to know everything about pop culture on the internet??

I'm a creative person and I contradict myself all the time. Get Over It.

What I find hard to believe is that kids only a few years younger than me (Generation Z) never experienced floppy disks, a childhood that was rooted in AIM messaging to meet up with your friends (cell phones were only for corporate adults then), or remember your mom typing on a type-writer until it was absolutely necessary to switch to a desktop computer. Why ruin a good thing? Type-writers were "da bomb" (how's that for a late 90's phrase) back in the day, and made my mom's office sound like she was in the movie Working Girl or 9 to 5. Generation Z never saw the growth and change as other generations had before them. They never had to experience the rapid fire that my generation (Generation Y) and those slightly older than us had to experience. We've been through the most metamorphosis as a generation and we're only between the ages of 23 to 35. We can adapt pretty quickly because we experienced and remember a life before laptops and smart phones, but can also remember the eruption and surge in the technology era. We lived through it all, especially in a time of our lives where we could keep up with the rapid fire.

As a young adult, you're more capable of balancing the distinct and game-changing revolutions. It only became a norm to have a computer in your house by the early 2000's. Up until college my classes still had to toe-the-line of not being overly reliant on computer based curriculum, in case you weren't lucky enough to have a computer at home. Now it's expected that you have one. Everyone has a laptop or "device" that can essentially take the place of a computer. We barely had time to get use to the idea of a computer in our homes, before it became mainstream for you to have a laptop that can fit into an envelope. It's all happening so fast!

It's understandable some of the students I work with have no idea what I'm talking about, because it was a blip in time. But for me, that small window of time was a hell of a time to grow up in. I remember it fondly because of the best of both worlds were bridged together for a brief moment. The nostalgic kick-the-can kind of childhood that met and later morphed into the modern childhood we're more accustomed to today. The internet obviously took the biggest development steps and has changed the most with credit given to Apple and Google. But I will always have a soft spot for the classic internet days, because of the universal freedom with most start up websites and the hilarity that ensued with them. It was a free for all, and a time to see how far you could push the limitations that we had set for ourselves in the webbing world. It's not slowing down, (Thanks Captain Obvious) as I've already ranted about previously, but I sure wish more than a small pool of the population knew about these quality years on the web. It certainly made my childhood rich with obnoxious animated videos.

I'll just leave you with this quote:
"It'll be so fast, Mother Nature will be like, SLLOOOOWWWW  DOOOOOWWNNN!!"
Refer to one of my all time favorite videos if you don't understand... You Generation Z-ers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs

I'm on a Pop Culture Struggle Bus

I'm going to be frank (is that new for me?) and come out and say it. 

I have been, and continue to be on a struggle bus to stay informed of the ever growing industry of pop culture. I know I'm suppose to not admit this, considering my youthful age, what I studied in college, which is rooted in knowing the past and predicting the future of pop culture, the life I live which is dripping with pop culture references, and yet, I still can't find enough hours in my life to stay up on the times. Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Jones, you're digging a hole faster than I can grab a shovel and join you.

In today's modern world you have so many ways to receive and view the information coming at you. Aren't we lucky??  I beg to differ. We get to pick and choose exactly what we want to listen to and even watch, right down to the very last news segment or Youtube video. We can ignore the news if we so desire, or fill our eyes and ears with news stations and talk radio all day long. The choice is yours.

We're allowed to check the internet for everything. I can strike any key and be at any pop culture website I choose worthy of my free time. Reddit, Pinterst, Instagram, Facebook, Youtube, Buzzfeed, Imgur, Twitter, are all at your disposal to get your fix of pop culture references for the day. Have I left any out??? 

Who has the time to check all of these websites?? Who cares to check all of these websites??
EEKKKK, I don't know if I want to hang out with those people. Get a life, and go do something rather than creeping on everyone else and what they're posting, all day erry day. This could be considered a hypocritical statement, as I write this blog for your viewing pleasure. So sue me.

The national morning news has to have segments that cover the most "popular" videos streaming on youtube, in order to keep the public informed. As I try to enjoy my morning coffee, I'm bombarded with videos from the morning broadcast of kittens playing the piano, a baby doll in a stroller scaring New Yorkers, or sports teams dancing to the Harlem Shake in their locker rooms. The segments have moved into hyper-exposure for those looking for a quick stint on national news. It used to be a news segment for a one minute spot just for your viewing pleasure. Now the national broadcasts have turned it into a mutiny of entertaining videos, to keep you chatting for hours at the water cooler with your co-workers. Ultimately, because that's what the viewer wants to see over other news segments, and because there's too much popular culture out there.

Technology you've been a doll, and I give you so much credit for making my life easier. For instance you've created a world of mutes. People can communicate completely through cyber messages such as text and email if they so desire, without ever muttering a word. Oh, how you really did us some good!! That's another argument. However, I wholeheartedly admit, I will never fully understand the debt I owe to technology for making our lives better, and pushing us to new atmosphere's. Even Albert Einstein couldn't dream of where we are today. Regardless of our phenomenal advancements and the incredible leaps we've made in the last 50 years, I have to say this is getting out of control.

On August 1, 1981, the first music video aired on a brand new television network, Music Television, better known as MTV. The television network has been linked to the globalization of pop culture, and has heavily impacted our lives since its start date. That's all fine and dandy, I'm not going to hate on MTV. I think the original idea behind the television network was genius, but as the old folks say, that was a much simpler time. Popular culture back in the day was much easier to stay on top of, because there were so few outlets to get it from. If you were interested in knowing Madonna's latest single, or who Johnny Carson had on The Tonight Show, you just need to turn to one of the two outlets, television or radio. That's it, just two outlets for your popular culture needs. Therefore, everyone was informed and up to date with the happenings of the time.

You can't say that about today's standards. Perez Hilton was my generation's MTV, and exploded the notion that popular culture could be found on the internet, rather than the pioneering sources before him. Pardon my French Perez, you can SUCK A FART. I'm not pissed at Perez Hilton so to speak. I would say that to whomever it was that pioneered the internet as a pop culture outlet, because it's become disgusting in my opinion, and it's about to get worse.

I applied for a job at a design firm, and one of the questions on the application asked what social media outlets were I apart of. I realized my list was very short, and that most other applicants could put at least 2-3 more social media websites on their application than I could. I thought that was an interesting question for a job application, but also made sense for the work that would entail at the design firm. But how much social media is enough these days? I don't have an Instagram or Imgur account, I don't personalize Reddit for the few times a year I troll through their webpages (you'd think they'd update their look, it feels like the floppy disk days, I say this as I'm arguing the betterment of technology... where do I get off?), and I barely use my Pinterest account. It's more for my own personal use as a designer, rather than to show off my pins to the rest of the internet world. Am I good enough for this day and age to say that I'm pop culture savvy? Honestly, I don't think so.

I don't have five hours a day to check all of these internet and media outlets on a regular basis. If you know my day-to-day job, you'll find that statement ludicrous. Truth be told, I have the time, however, I have other interests beyond checking ALL the media outlets all the time. I have hobbies, who knew that was possible in our internet crazed world? If you haven't figured out by now, I'm a pretty simple person. It makes life easier in my opinion. I just wish I could still be a satisfied customer with getting my popular culture updates via the radio and television, but those days are far behind us.

Since I'm a stubborn person and don't like to deviate too much from my standards, it's going to take awhile for me to play catch up. I'll get there eventually when I die, I can't deny that. The jobs and future ahead will force me to cave in and join more social media sources over time. But here's my advice to all you readers...

BACK OFF MY theoretical BALLS, if I don't know everything about the top 10 Youtube videos from last year, or give two shits about who got checked into rehab this weekend, or give a flying rats ass about a skate boarding bird that sings Beyonce. There's too much to comprehend in this world, so why would I try and start now with the vastly incomprehensible internet.