I'M BACK!! Long time, no see.

Did you miss me?! I'll answer that question for you. YES, you damn well did!!

I'm emerging from the bowels of the earth, the darkest crevice known to man, that blackhole where all things go to die (also known as your refrigerator), and I'm coming back with a vengeance. John McClane has nothing on me.

My secret hiding place (I'm Carmen Sandiego) for the last few months has been in the Rockies, where weed is a food group. In case you hadn't heard I was a ski instructor this past season, teaching 3-6 year olds, AKA little shits and little angels how to ski. I'm becoming nostalgic this week for some reason. Maybe I'm going through that "reflective period" after breaking up with your boyfriend. Maybe I just miss the Mecca of Marihuana? NAH, that's not it. I miss the incredible snow that my gnarly skis would crush through. YEAH... THAT'S IT! Wait, who am I kidding, you're all still convinced it's the weed!

Ski towns across the world are a dime a dozen. If you want to fit in on your next ski trip, here are some things you can use to sound like you know what you're talking about. Or not.

Say things like; "I want to shred the pow, bro!", "I got first tracks!", "Send It!" (also known as ski off a large cliff/jump that's bigger than you, and scream in the process).

If you want to know how to talk the talk, then know the difference between a camber and rocker ski. Camber is good for "sending it bro" and flying down the mountain. Rocker is fantabulous for "shredding some pow".

Be sure to work on your goggle tan. It ensures that even the prettiest of girls, look like they have a beard from far away.

Goggles are the biggest fashion statement on the mountain. Make sure your goggles look cool. Everyone wears a black helmet, so the goggles are what sets you apart. For the record, I defied all social norms and look like a Ninja Turtle. COWABUNGA!!

Ski with a back pack. Now usually I would make fun of this, BUT, it saves your ass when the weather changes half-way through the day. Let's not forget the most important thing of all, a back pack means you're able to bring a 12 pack of beer! Gondola & deck drinking all day, BOOYAH!

Buzzed skiing is the best skiing. YOU MUST DRINK & SKI! You will make some idiotic decisions and be left with little feeling in your knees, but it'll be worth it! I skied my best when I had a few. Make sure to not get too BUZZED though, that absolutely ends poorly. Imagine drunk walking, and then add 5 ft. of metal strapped to your feet. BAD NEWS BEARS.

Après ski is just as important as the actual skiing. Make sure you know where the best deals are. Ask a local, they'll know where to go. OH HOW I MISS THE GEORGE!!

Do you see a common theme??

Minturn Mile Fo Lyfe. This only applies to Vail, but you must do the Minturn Mile if you're there. Make sure you do it on a powder day, or when there's a lot of snow. I did it when it was iffy and skied into a dirt patch a few times. But it was worth it...the après is $2 margaritas at the bottom. $2 margaritas, that should be enough incentive.

Know and understand how a lift line works. I repeat know the etiquette of a lift line, and everyone will be grateful of it.

Onesie ski outfits are gold on the mountain. If you wear one, you're automatically in the Kool Kids Klub. Other attire which gets you into the KKK (THE Kool Kids Klub, DUH) includes neon colored Brodie sunglasses, and rear entry ski boots, #Throwback #Retro #YouLookLikeWhatYour ParentsDidAtYourAge #F&@K HASHTAGS!

Know where to find the best tree skiing. You can do the same run a million times, and each time will be different. Blue Sky and Resolution all day e'ry day.

Ski biking is the bees knees and could be better than actual skiing. TRY IT!

Looking for a good laugh? Go to the bunny slope and make fun of the goons who try to learn how to ski. This applies to you, woman who was "attempting to ski" in jeans, and an enormous purse. A PURSE!!!!......... I'm also talking to you, McDouche, who thought it'd be a good idea to take a video of yourself with an Ipad(AN ENORMOUS Ipad), while you snowboard at a WHOPPING 3 MPH, and still manage to crash into my children, because you're TAKING VIDEO OF YOURSELF SNOWBOARDING 3 MPH and can't steer...........!!

OH and one more thing, you don't want to be known as a Gapper.... This term is used to refer to the idiotic tourists who overdo the ski attire and attitude to the annoying extremes. Case in point, I'm so glad you showed up to ski school in a full length mink coat. NO ONE THINKS YOU'RE COOL. You look like a jackass next to all the normal people in ski jackets.

Alright Mr. Miyagi has spilled enough secrets onto you. Until next season!