Garçon! I'll Take a Side of BS with My Serving of Elite Daily
I’m a cute, perky girl who likes to take long walks in the park with my black labrador, dance until morning to T-Swift, and gorge myself to the brim, with pizza and wine until I burst. Even though you just read that little factoid about me, I look like the opposite of Roseanne. You’ll find my profile at the bottom of an article that Facebook told you, YOU MUST READ BEFORE YOU DIE! So you click on it, because you don’t want the FOMO (Farting On Mom’s Oven).
You also clicked on my LENGEN----------wait for it-----------DARY article, which I hand crafted while sipping my non-fat latte at Starbucks on the weekends, to make yourself (and probably myself) feel better about our stagnant and awkward transition into adulthood. BOO HOO, I can’t handle the truth, Jack Nicholson. CALL THE CODE RED!
BUT WAIT, my article will save you! Because it’s bursting at the seams with feel good spirit, to encourage your already habitual life to stay the same. Why change? According to moi, I say you’re FINE (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, & Emotional)! It’s OK. I’m not a doctor, philosopher, or your scotch sipping grandpa with his pants unzipped, or even YODA, Gandolf, or Dumbledore (The Big 3). NOPE, however, I have so much knowledge to pass onto you, even though WE’RE THE SAME AGE! Cum again? (Freudian slip) Excusé-moi?!? Wait, let me process this information just a few seconds longer……
AND YET, you still read it, because light bulb, you’re a twenty-something too. You’re still traveling with a one-way ticket on the infamous struggle bus.
“And now we return to your regular scheduled programming”….. I get to blog about my life (and yours), and make it sound revolutionary to the common reader. Despite my hard efforts though, my article did nothing more than reiterate what every other L-7 Wienie in the blogging universe is saying, “YOU DO YOU”, and “YOU GO GLEN COCO”. My words did not reinvent the wheel, and I, in fact am stating the obvious motto of the Millennial Generation. Can I get a mic drop for my unoriginal thoughts!
P.S. I take it all back, I love you Elite Daily!
P.P.S. That was the champagne talking.
Nostalgic for that Rocky Mountain High
I'M BACK!! Long time, no see.
Did you miss me?! I'll answer that question for you. YES, you damn well did!!
I'm emerging from the bowels of the earth, the darkest crevice known to man, that blackhole where all things go to die (also known as your refrigerator), and I'm coming back with a vengeance. John McClane has nothing on me.
My secret hiding place (I'm Carmen Sandiego) for the last few months has been in the Rockies, where weed is a food group. In case you hadn't heard I was a ski instructor this past season, teaching 3-6 year olds, AKA little shits and little angels how to ski. I'm becoming nostalgic this week for some reason. Maybe I'm going through that "reflective period" after breaking up with your boyfriend. Maybe I just miss the Mecca of Marihuana? NAH, that's not it. I miss the incredible snow that my gnarly skis would crush through. YEAH... THAT'S IT! Wait, who am I kidding, you're all still convinced it's the weed!
Ski towns across the world are a dime a dozen. If you want to fit in on your next ski trip, here are some things you can use to sound like you know what you're talking about. Or not.
Say things like; "I want to shred the pow, bro!", "I got first tracks!", "Send It!" (also known as ski off a large cliff/jump that's bigger than you, and scream in the process).
If you want to know how to talk the talk, then know the difference between a camber and rocker ski. Camber is good for "sending it bro" and flying down the mountain. Rocker is fantabulous for "shredding some pow".
Be sure to work on your goggle tan. It ensures that even the prettiest of girls, look like they have a beard from far away.
Goggles are the biggest fashion statement on the mountain. Make sure your goggles look cool. Everyone wears a black helmet, so the goggles are what sets you apart. For the record, I defied all social norms and look like a Ninja Turtle. COWABUNGA!!
Ski with a back pack. Now usually I would make fun of this, BUT, it saves your ass when the weather changes half-way through the day. Let's not forget the most important thing of all, a back pack means you're able to bring a 12 pack of beer! Gondola & deck drinking all day, BOOYAH!
Buzzed skiing is the best skiing. YOU MUST DRINK & SKI! You will make some idiotic decisions and be left with little feeling in your knees, but it'll be worth it! I skied my best when I had a few. Make sure to not get too BUZZED though, that absolutely ends poorly. Imagine drunk walking, and then add 5 ft. of metal strapped to your feet. BAD NEWS BEARS.
Après ski is just as important as the actual skiing. Make sure you know where the best deals are. Ask a local, they'll know where to go. OH HOW I MISS THE GEORGE!!
Do you see a common theme??
Minturn Mile Fo Lyfe. This only applies to Vail, but you must do the Minturn Mile if you're there. Make sure you do it on a powder day, or when there's a lot of snow. I did it when it was iffy and skied into a dirt patch a few times. But it was worth it...the après is $2 margaritas at the bottom. $2 margaritas, that should be enough incentive.
Know and understand how a lift line works. I repeat know the etiquette of a lift line, and everyone will be grateful of it.
Onesie ski outfits are gold on the mountain. If you wear one, you're automatically in the Kool Kids Klub. Other attire which gets you into the KKK (THE Kool Kids Klub, DUH) includes neon colored Brodie sunglasses, and rear entry ski boots, #Throwback #Retro #YouLookLikeWhatYour ParentsDidAtYourAge #F&@K HASHTAGS!
Know where to find the best tree skiing. You can do the same run a million times, and each time will be different. Blue Sky and Resolution all day e'ry day.
Ski biking is the bees knees and could be better than actual skiing. TRY IT!
Looking for a good laugh? Go to the bunny slope and make fun of the goons who try to learn how to ski. This applies to you, woman who was "attempting to ski" in jeans, and an enormous purse. A PURSE!!!!......... I'm also talking to you, McDouche, who thought it'd be a good idea to take a video of yourself with an Ipad(AN ENORMOUS Ipad), while you snowboard at a WHOPPING 3 MPH, and still manage to crash into my children, because you're TAKING VIDEO OF YOURSELF SNOWBOARDING 3 MPH and can't steer...........!!
OH and one more thing, you don't want to be known as a Gapper.... This term is used to refer to the idiotic tourists who overdo the ski attire and attitude to the annoying extremes. Case in point, I'm so glad you showed up to ski school in a full length mink coat. NO ONE THINKS YOU'RE COOL. You look like a jackass next to all the normal people in ski jackets.
Alright Mr. Miyagi has spilled enough secrets onto you. Until next season!
Once In A Lifetime
The Talking Heads made it famous, "Once In A Lifetime". The song is ironically melancholy compared to it's upbeat tempo. However, I choose to find the silver lining and see the positivity out of it.
In case you haven't heard the news, I'm no longer in New York City. Yeah.... I'm one of the many cases that went to NYC and then left it.
It's not that I didn't LOVE it there, I truly did! Actually, I can't wait to get back! It's just that it wasn't my time to be there. I grappled with that hard fact for a long time, but now I'm happier than a fat kid eating cake.
I had a once in a lifetime chance, and I DRANK THE KOOL AID! As David Byrne would like you to think, it's your past that you wish to change, because you can't believe where your life has taken you. I beg to differ, I couldn't be more grateful for where I'm at in life.
It's taken me a while to get back to normalcy, but I'm moving in the right direction. My new location and job description is as follows... You're looking at one of the many ski instructors in Vail. WOOT WOOT! Can I get a Halla Back!??!
However, I didn't want all my stories to go to waste, since I did have a fair share of them while wandering around the Big Apple. So here's some things that I'll miss from the City that Never Sleeps.
- Being able to read the newspaper on the subway, and having the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and many other newspapers at my fingertips.
- Listening to weird renditions of classic songs in the subway, AKA Van Morrison on steel drums, anyone?
- Having no car and walking for miles everyday
- Having a tourist ask moi for directions, "Yes, I'm a local!", but that was a bit of a stretch
- Eating copious amounts of cheap bagels, pizza, bagels, pizza, bagels, pizza, etc.
- Being able to understand any reference to NYC locations in movies and t.v. shows
- Always on the lookout for famous people, especially when walking down 5th Ave or in the West Village. I must not have been looking hard enough though!
- Enjoying the ability to hate the same subway lines with others because they smelled like stanky leg, or were ALWAYS inconsistent
- Walking through Central Park
- Pretending I owned enough money as Donald Trump, and going into Stores like Tiffany's, SAKS, Henri Bendel, Bloomingdales, and let's not forget Bergdorf's. BUT I never went into Harry Winston, what a shame...
- WINDOW SHOPPING!!
- So MANY INCREDIBLE museums!
- People watching
- You could get anything you wanted at any time of the day. Can you say spoiled much?
- SEAMLESS. Only the best gift god will ever give us. For those who don't know, it's a food delivery service
- Meeting a wide range of very eclectic people
- Being mistaken for a runner in the New York City Marathon, Heck Yes!
- Realizing New Yorkers are SUPER friendly, fo rizzle
- Enjoying Halloween in many parts of New York
- Hot dogs from street carts
- Always having the right away as a pedestrian. Cars worship the "Streetwalker"
- Never having to worry about a sober driver!
- Pop up street markets
Things I won't particularly miss, but won't necessarily regret being apart of.
- Seeing the rotating exhibit at the MoMA, beyond weird!
- Sleeping on some couches that might have had one too many infestations on them
- Seeing a broader view of the drug world. That Shit is CRAY, and in case you didn't know, COC is whack!
- Realizing that Tinder/Grinder and NYC are a match made in heaven. I'm still in the "I'll pass on grass" phase
- Eating out for every meal
- Having to carry several suitcases up and down walkups, brownstones, and pre-war buildings. Elevators are so not choice in NYC
- Having to hear "It's SHOWTIME" on the subway. Those shows should only be reserved for the blind and deaf.
- I loathed walking through any of the "fun" places an out-of-towner would enjoy, ie. Times Square, Herald's Square, Union Square. Just avoid ALL SQUARES and you'll be much happier.
- Figuring out many coffee shops banned you from using electronic devices, lame sauce.
- Working for two random businesses for a very short amount of time. I'm not a fan of a trial and error approach to a job.
- Having to use my umbrella as a force field when walking down side streets in the rain. Cabs WILL spray you.
- Getting hit on by AirBNB hosts and people interviewing me for jobs. Yes, what a great time to bring that up!
- Having to carry around multiple shoes for every occasion
- The temperature being too hot or too cold. Take a lesson from Goldilocks, please and thank you.
- The cab fares between Manhattan and Brooklyn
- Trying to buy a Halloween costume day of. P.S. Sex shops do turn into Halloween costume shops. WHOOPS, my bad.